If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
