i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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