I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
