I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We need to get me chipped asap
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
