That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
