Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
