hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
