Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
