If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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