its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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