If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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