If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
