I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
