If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
