Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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