hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
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