Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
