look no pants
I faked an abortion last night.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
