I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sorry my hands just texted you
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Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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