I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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