The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
