Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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