I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
