i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
