My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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