She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.