He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.