Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart