i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
then he tried to convert me to islam
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.