you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world