I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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