The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I spit up blood this morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments