Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store