She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.