I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.