you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...