My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.