My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.