I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You smell like stripper and shame
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..