hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
