Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!