I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter