He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair