I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
