yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.