the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"