my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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