Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
