Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My pussy is not your playground.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
