Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.