im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become