this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
