I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.