Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.