i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
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I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
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We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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