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You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
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