I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy